Wake up to the morning to something new
by causeobviously098617
Summary: SERIES 3 SPOILERS... Mary is severely depressed after losing Matthew. Tom is determined to get her back to her normal self. A story of angst,hurt and love...
1. Chapter 1

Mary sat by the grave. She went there often; it was as though she needed reminding of what had happened. Every morning she would wake up and feel for Matthew on the other side of the bed but every morning she would find nothing but a cold empty space. Every morning Anna would bring her breakfast in bed and every morning Mary would not touch a crumb. Every morning Mary would rise and put on whatever Anna suggested. Mary had never felt so empty or alone.

Her mother was trying to interest her in a series of suitable tasks such as organising charity functions or paying calls. Instead Mary would go to William's nursery room and spend the day with him. She had organised a bed to be put in there so she could nap there while he was. Her father had tried to hire a nanny but Mary would not hear of it. Any shouts of "But this is not the way things are done" were met with a silencing look and Robert had long given up. The only two people Mary smiled for now was William and occasionally Isobel, on the whole however, Mary was in a state of constant emptiness. She said little and only occasionally left the house since the funeral.

The funeral… Mary had not cried. She could not. She felt almost as thought that would be an acceptance. And she could not accept it. How could she? Life without Matthew was unimaginable even though it was real.

One day, she was sat by the grave and she noticed a shadow, she looked up and it was Tom. He gave her a weak smile and said that he was going to see Sybil.

Mary turned back to Matthew's grave and continued to stare at it. After five or so minutes, she heard Tom begin to whisper to Sybil's grave. He was whispering about little Sybbie who had taken her first steps and was beginning to talk, he was whispering about the estate and then she heard him say her name.

"Mary looks so empty Sybil my darling, I want to help her. I know you wouldn't be happy to see her so distraught, nor Matthew for that matter. I don't know how to reach her Sybil….."

Mary turned her head back to Matthew's grave and put her head on the ground, that way she was closer to Matthew as she tried to drown out Tom's words.

….

Mary woke with a shock. The dream had been so real… Matthew wasn't dead in the dream. He was just delayed by a flock of birds on the road. It was just the birds….

Then, like every night the truth hit her. Matthew was never coming back. Never coming back…

….

The day had passed horribly for Mary; she was having a bit of down day. She spent the day with William in the bed next to his crib. She had agreed to go to dinner that night, although when Anna had come to find her after the gong she had refused to change.

Dinner was painful. Every member of the family was attempting to engage Mary in some kind of conversation but to no avail. She gave only yes or no answers and on the whole just ignored them. Finally she was so tired of the endless questions and she left the table with an "I think I'll go to bed."

Everyone at the table stared at her forlornly and wondered how on earth they could bring Matthew's Mary back.

…

Mary had grabbed a bottle of whiskey from the library. She waited until there was no one in the hallway and slipped outside. As she walked to the graveyard, she drank the whiskey, gulp after gulp after gulp. It made her feel beautifully warm inside. When Mary arrived, she sat herself next to the grave and almost snuggled into it. She kept drinking and pretended that the warmth it filled her with was actually Matthew's arms surrounding her. She almost smiled and did not notice the torrential rain that was beginning to fall.

….

Tom knew it was probably not proper but that had never been the way he had worked. So, on the way to his room, he knocked on Mary's room. He wanted to cheer her up, for Sybil. There was no answer so he put his head around the door. The bed was empty. Tom frowned and paused for a moment in an attempt to figure out where she could be. His first thought was the nursery but Mary was not there. That could only mean… Matthew's grave.

Tom did not want to alarm anyone so he fetched a coat and a blanket and went straight to the grave. He walked as quickly as he could, aware of the increasing volume of rain. Fortunately, he could see relatively easily as that night there was a full moon, silently he thanked God. When Matthew's grave came into view he was horrified to see what looked to be Mary lying down on the soaking ground - the rain had been falling heavily for a while. He ran towards her and that was when he noticed the empty bottle of whisky. Oh dear God. Mary was shaking with the cold and she was soaked to the bone.

"Mary?" he said in her ear.

No response.

"Mary!" This time he almost bellowed.

There was still no response. Wrapping the miraculously dry blanket around her, Tom lifted her into his arms and went as quickly as he could back to Downton.

…

Tom woke up confused at first. Then he realised – Mary. He had fallen asleep in the chair next to her bed. Cora had tried to get him to go to bed but he had maintained that it was his duty to watch over her for Sybil. Cora had not argued with this. He looked over to Mary now fast asleep and with a peaceful look on her face. He almost smiled; she actually looked like herself for the first time in ages. Clarkson had examined her but had decided she did not have pneumonia and after being carefully warmed up and bed rest, would be, to an extent, perfectly well. He had given a bitter laugh at this announcement, how could she be well? He understood entirely how Mary felt. He still felt like that at times when he thought about his dear Sybil. But he knew too well that for William's sake, she had to become herself again and very soon, very very soon he was determined that he would talk to her and bring her to her senses. Oh! If only it was that easy he thought….


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Mrs Hughes watched as Mary pushed the pram around the front lawn. How strange, she thought. All these years she had thought that Lady Mary Crawley had no heart. Yet now, as she watched, she could see that Mary really did have a heart, and it had been broken into a million pieces.

…

Mary stirred and reached out, as usual, for Matthew and again found he was not there. Then she sensed that she was being watched. Mary rolled over in bed and saw Tom sitting watching her. All of a sudden Mary noticed that her head was splitting. What had happened last night?

"Tom?" she whispered.

"I think that is the first time you've spoken without being asked a question" Tom said, smiling.

"I just want to know what happened to me. Why are you here?" she almost demanded.

"You….. you were upset and you drank a lot of whiskey and then you went outside to Matthews grave…." Tom trailed off.

"I see" replied Mary and with that she buried her head in her pillow. "You can go".

Tom sighed and left.

….

Tom had falsely hoped that Mary would talk to him again. It seemed not. After that morning she had gone back to how she had been before. She still refused to speak to anyone unless spoken too and spent hours and hours cocooned in William's room. Tom did not know how to get her to respond. When Sybil had… died, he too wanted to shut himself off from the world but he didn't. He had a duty of care to Sybbie and he knew that Sybil wouldn't want him to be like Mary was now. He knew that Mary had devoted herself to William but it would do the child no good to grow up with a mother in that state. Time to try to talk some sense into Mary, it probably would not work but surely it was worth a go?

…..

Mary was standing at the window cradling William when he walked in. She turned to see who had walked in and upon seeing it was Tom she turned back to the window.

"Not even a hello?" He asked.

His question was met with no reply.

He spoke quietly and urgently. "Mary, you need to stop this. Matthew wouldn't want you to feel like this. He loved you a great deal and he would want you to carry on. Please listen to me Mary; William needs you to be the best version of you to be his mother. He needs you to be mother and father to him and you can't do that like this. Please listen to me Mary!"

Throughout this entire speech Mary had remained silent. When Tom stopped she still said nothing. She placed William gently into the crib and looked over to Tom and gave an almost imperceptible shake of her head and left.

Tom sank into the rocking chair and put his head in his hands.

….

"I agree something must be done, but we have all tried talking to her and she will not listen! Violet said.

"Cousin Violet, you are not usually one to give up" Tom said, slightly shocked.

"Did I say I was? It is clear to me that this accident has deeply affected Mary in a way we never thought possible. I do not think I have ever seen her so depressed. Perhaps we should send her to that awful woman in New York?" She enquired.

"No she will not leave Downton" Isobel spoke up after remaining silent for almost the entire ti,e the three of them had been sitting together in the Dowager House.

"And how do you know that?" said Violet, primly.

"Because baby William is now the heir after Robert and Mary will want him to love Downton as much as she does and… and as much as Matthew did." Isobel turned her face away as she wiped a tear away.

"Well then what?" Violet demanded. "Matthew would hate to see her like this."

"I believe that if one person repeatedly talks to her then maybe she will have to respond. I know Mary has been a shell of herself recently, but I do think that she will not be able to stand being told what to do." As she said it, its truth became even more apparent in her own mind and she gave a defiant look as though daring Violet to challenge her as she so often did.

"I suppose" was all Violet could manage. She did hate it when Isobel was right.

"I have already lost my son, Mary is the closest thing to a child I have on Earth. I will ensure she returns to herself. That said, I think Tom should be the one. Having experienced this recently you will be able to help her better than I, at least that's what I hope. I also think that if I fail, I would never be able to forgive myself."

…..

After his discussion with Isobel and Violet, Tom went to find the box with Matthew's possessions. They had been cleared out of Matthew's and Mary's bedroom in the hope that their absence would help Mary to move on, although actually, this had had little effect. Opening the box, he smiled as he saw a picture of Mary, Matthew, Sybil and him at Mary and Matthew's wedding. Oh how could fate be so cruel? First his darling Sybil and now Mary's darling Matthew. He took several objects out of the box – the photograph, a shirt of Matthews and the small toy dog that he knew Mary had given Matthew all those years ago. He then took the objects to Mary's room. He placed the shirt and the toy dog on Mary's pillow and the photograph on the bedside table. He sneaked out knowing that Mary would not be back for a few more hours.

…..

That evening Mary walked into her bedroom and was stunned at what he saw. Oh Matthew, she thought. Why did you leave me? Anna had come in to help her undress; Mary sent her away and undressed herself. She then put on Matthew's shirt and snuggled up to the toy and fell fast sleep.

A/N : I hope you all like so far! Please let me know what you think!


	3. Chapter 3

A/N:Please as always let me know what ya think!

It had been a week since Tom had placed some of Matthew's belongings in Mary's room. Anna had told him that Mary now slept in the shirt and when she went to wake Mary in the morning, Mary looked like a small child cuddled up to the toy dog. He hoped this would be another step towards Mary's recovery but he had yet to see any other signs of improvement. His next step was going to be to suggest an outing for Sybbie and William.

….

"Mary, I wondered if you and William would like to accompany Sybbie and I on a picnic. The day looks set to be rather fine and I reckon the fresh air would do us all good" said Tom, boldly.

Mary was rather shocked at the request if she was completely honest, so shocked she almost forget that Matthew was gone but then it all came flooding back. She was not quite sure how to reply. On one hand, she felt she should say yes, for William's and Sybbie's sake but then she had not left the house for ages. She did not want to be seen.

"Take Anna and William, I do not feel up to it" and then she left the nursery as quickly as she possibly could.

Tom felt deflated. He had hoped that she would say yes for William if not for herself but no. Then he remembered what Isobel had said about keeping the requests constant and swore that the next day he would try once more.

…..

The next day, his request was greeted with a much similar "Take Anna or Edith" and this went on for several days sfter that. On the seventh day, Mary finally agreed. This for Tom, felt like a great victory.

"Great! I shall have Mrs Patmore prepare a basket and then we will go." He smiled at her and left to arrange it.

Mary was not quite sure how she felt. On the whole the answer was really, nothing. She would put up with this picnic and then that would be that. She could then go back to hiding in her bedroom. She should, perhaps, have guessed that Tom had other plans but then Mary did not understand any of Tom's motivations. Surely it was more for William than for her? She asked anna to fetch her coat and hat and she looked for her sturdier shoes. When Tom returned he was pleased to see her ready and he said "Shall we fetch the children?"

Mary gave only a nod in reply and they walked to the nursery. Mary ensured William was well wraped up, it was sure to be cold outside as it was February. Tom looked at her questioningly and said "Mary it is not a cold day".

"It is cold, it is February after all" she replied.

A sudden sad realisation swept over Tom, she had no idea. She had not been keeping up with the date or the time or anything. Oh Mary, he thought.

"Mary it is almost April" he said, gently.

Mary froze with the shock of hearing this news, her expression turned to one of complete confusion as her brain struggled to process what Tom had said. Surely it had not been so long? Mary was quiet for so long that Tom was beginning to worry but then she seemed to recover some composure. She unwrapped some of William's layers and then looked at Tom as though she saying that she was ready.

They set off in the car towards a lake close by. Tom did try to engage Mary in conversation but she ignored him, her focus remained on William. Tom sighed. Every time he thought he was making progress, he was rebuked. How long would it take for Mary to realise she needed to wake up from her grieving slumber? They then arrived and Tom laid out the blanket and the picnic. He encouraged Sybbie to eat and then turned to Mary. He offered her a salmon mousse sandwhich which she took without comment. He watched as she nibbled it, never taking a proper bite. At this point Sybbie began to demand his attention and he wrenched his eyes of Mary to get her some lemonade. Sybbie wanted to play tig but of course, with two people it would be a rather pointless game.

"Auntie Mary, would you please play with us?" Sybbie asked, sweetly.

"I….." Mary hesitated.

Tom's temper was beginning to boil over. He understood Mary's feeling perfectly as he had gone through the same thing. Yet, for his Sybbie, he would do anything and he would not have Mary ruin Sybbie's day. While he knew that he had to be gentle with Mary as she was so fragile, it was long time. So he leant over and began to whisper in her ear: "Mary, you will not disappoint your sister's daughter. You are her aunt. Sybbie lost someone she loved that day too. Don't let her see you as lost too"

Mary was shocked at his boldness, since that first time he had tried to speak to her he had stuck to only subjects such as the weather or the estate. She did not know what to say.

"I…." she repeated herself.

"Mary!"

"I cannot Tom, I cannot! Please forgive me!" and with that she picked up William and headed back to the car.

Tom almost smiled, that was the most emotional display Mary had shown since Matthew's death.

…

That evening Tom found Mary in the nursery. She was cradling William who was crying profusely. He stood in the doorway and watched as she calmed him down. When William had finally fallen asleep she placed him in the crib and turned to face him.

"Hello" was all Tom said.

Looking at the ground, Mary said "hello" back.

"Mary, I am not angry about today" he said.

Without warning, a tear slid down Mary's face.

"Oh Tom, I have been so terribly foolish. I feel so guilty." She began to cry.

"My dear Mary, what is there to feel guilty for?" he said putting his arm around her.

"Matthew and I, we could have had so much longer together, if only I had accepted him when he asked me the first time!" She tore herself away from him and disappeared.

…..

The next morning….

"Where is Lady Mary Carson?"

"Gone Mr Branson. She took the earliest train, she did not say where to. She has taken Master William."

Tom was speechless.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Tom could not believe what his ears were hearing. How could she? And he had just thought that he had made some form of progress. Her words and her actions made no sense. Surely if the guilt she had told him of was the reason then she would have gone before? He was awoken from his thoughts by the entrance of Carson.

"I brought you some hot sweet tea Mr Branson" said Carson.  
"Thank you Mr Carson." said Tom. He took the tea and as he drank it became lost in his thoughts again. ...  
"Hello Tom" said Violet.  
"Hello Violet" said Tom taking a seat. He was in the Dowager's drawing room for tea with Violet and Isobel. Once again, they were meeting to discuss Mary. "So, do you have any idea as to why Mary left?" asked Isobel of Tom.  
"To be completely honest no. Yesterday I took her and the children for a picnic. I had been asking her for several days and only yesterday did she finally agree. I got angry at her when she refused to play with Sybbie. She ran off back to the house and I didn't see her again till later in the nursery. Then she started talking about how guilty she felt for not accepting Matthew before and if she had only said yes the first time, they would have had so much more time together. The next morning she had gone". As Tom spoke, his expression grew to be more pained and confused as he tried to figure out what had gone wrong.  
"Well we must find her and convince her that that is not true. Matthew was as much to blame" said Isobel, almost at loss due to the tragedy of the situation. "As I have said before, often when bad things happen, we feel the need to find someone to blame and in absence if a suitable candidate, we often blame ourselves." said Violet, thinking sadly of Robert at the time of Sybil's death. "Well that is true of Mary. I suspect she blames herself for more than she said to you" said Isobel with a sad smile.  
"We need to figure out where she is before we worry about anything else. Where will she have gone?" said Tom.  
" I think that she truly is trying to run from Downton and Matthew. I think up until now she managed to keep those feelings under control by becoming that emotionless shell we see her as. Your chat with her probably awoke those feelings and then she decided to run." said Isobel.  
"So it is my fault." said Tom, putting his head in his hands.  
"Oh my dear" said Isobel, putting an arm around Tom.  
"Tom, something had to be done. Now, I suggest we try to see if Mary is on any passenger lists for any ships leaving the country. It would not surprise me if she decided to go to America to that horrible woman" said Violet.

" I rather liked her" said Isobel.  
"Oh my dear, let us not ruin our friendship now" replied Violet.  
Tom could not help a small smile, somethings never change.

A/N: I know this was short, but I think it came to a natural end here.

Reviewers, Thank you all. You guys motivate me! 


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: thank you for the reviews! Please please keep them coming. I really appreciate all your thoughts. :) Also I reckon that after both the deaths of Sybil and Matthew that Violet becomes more mellow and lets Tom call her Violet. Just my thoughts... Anyways read and review!

Chapter 5 Mary sat waiting in a teashop near the port of Liverpool. She stared out at the water thinking of Matthew. Over the last few months, she had managed to lock him away but then Tom had reminded her. He had unlocked all those feelings that she had managed to keep at bay. Just as a tear began to roll down Mary's cheek William began to cry and she quickly brushed it away as she turned to her baby son.

"She's on a passenger list for a boat which will leave at 10 o'clock from Liverpoolx" said Violet. "Fortunately, Shrimpy knows a man in the ship business."  
Tom did not doubt it. Shrimpy, it seemed, knew everyone.  
"Then I must leave straight away for I leave straight away I can get there in time if I drive" he said. Just as Tom finished, Robert and Isobel walked in with rather serious facial expressions. "What is it Robert? There is very little time!" said Violet, slightly irritated by Robert's interruption.  
"I know mama, but you will both want to see this" said Robert, stern.  
"You see, it turns out that Matthew wrote a will during the war. He has updated it since his marriage to Mary of course, but in this version, he left a letter to be given to Mary if he was... If he was killed in action". Isobel had to pause in order to regain composure. "I know it was written before their marriage but it may help Mary. I have not read it." Tom nodded and replied "I will take it with me." ...  
Tom arrived at the port in Liverpool at 9.45 pm on the dot. It did not take him long and he immediately rushed to ask a porter how he would be able to locate Mary. The porter informed him that all passengers were on board and eating in the dining rooms. Mary would be in first class he knew so he asked directions to the first class dining room. He ran there as quickly as he could. ...  
When Tom arrived he looked around wildly for Mary. He spun in circles until he finally spotted her, sat in a corner with William, picking at a chocolate tart. strode over to her and slid into the empty seat opposite. Mary stared at him in shock, unsure of how to react. "Mary, please do not leave. Come back home with me now. There is still time before the ship leaves. Please let's just get off this ship and then we can talk about it." Even after he finished talking, his eyes continued to plead with her.  
"Tom, I...I do not ever want to go back. How can I? I will never be able to be rid of Matthew. He will haunt me for the rest of the days and I cannot deal with that. I cannot deal with the guilt I will always be riddled with. I cannot Tom so please do not ask me too." She was almost begging now.  
"Oh Mary, Matthew would not want you to feel such things. He loved you a great deal. A great deal and he relished the time you spent together. It was not your fault how long it took for you to finally marry. Your son will be earl one day, you love Downton and so did Matthew. I know that he and you wanted William to love Downton like do. You don't have to promise to come back with me to Downton now. Just don't go to America because I promise you will regret it." "The ship will be leaving in 5 minutes Ladies and Gentlemen." said the announcement.  
Mary knew Tom was right about Matthew and William and Downton and so she said "Alright." and called over a porter to get the luggage off the ship. The porter was hesitant but Tom slipped him a few shillings and he immediately ran to Mary's cabin.

As they stood watching the dock watching the ship sail away. Mary wondered whether she had made the right choice. She turned away from the sea and said "let's go and find a hotel." ...  
"Mary, I have something for you" said Tom and he put Matthew's last letter into her hands. He kissed her cheek and went to his own room.  
Mary stared at the envelope. Where had this come from? She went into her room and sat on the bed. Taking a deep breath she opened the letter. ...  
There was a loud knocking on Tom's door. Pulling on his trousers, Tom went to the door and opened it to find one of the maids.  
"Are you Lady Mary's brother-in-law?" she asked, politely.  
"Yes, why? What's wrong?" he asked, an urgent tone in his voice.  
"She is very upset sir, the manager asked for you to come at once" she turned and motioned for him to follow.

As he walked to Mary's room, he began to hear wailing. Mary. Oh dear God. He began to run. He wrenched open the door to her room and ran to her where she lay sobbing. He pulled her into his arms and began to whisper words of comfort into her ear. "Shhhhhhh, its alright Mary, It's alright." He repeated these words what felt like a hundred times. Mary looked up at him with red eyes and said, between whimpers; "did you read that letter?" "No" replied Tom.  
"It's strange even dead he manages to Sat all the right things." "Perhaps you should sleep now Mary." said Tom.  
"I think I may finally be able to now." she said. "Will you stay until I fall asleep?"  
Tom smiled and nodded. Mary went under the sheets and closed her eyes. For the first time since Matthew's death, she slept peacefully. ...  
Anyone want to know what that letter said?


	6. Chapter 6

Thank you reviewers/ followers! I really appreciate your thoughts. This chapter mainly focuses on Mary and Tom reflcting on Sybil and Matthew so not much I guess in terms of the plot moving forward. Although it does have that letter….

Chapter 5

Mary woke earlier and smiled when she saw Tom fast asleep in the chair next to her bed. He had been so good to her and these last few months highlighted to her why her darling Sybil had chosen him. He was a truly a good man and he understood her because he had experienced exactly the same thing. She pulled the letter from Matthew from her pocket to read again:

_My dearest Mary, __  
__We are just reaching the final push here at the front. The men are all frightened but determined. I do not know why, but I have the most awful feeling about it. It occurs to me that I have been so lucky to not be killed thus far like so many of the others. I will be even luckier if I come through this final push. In any case, if you are reading this it will mean that I did not make it. Knowing death may be imminent has a strange way of making one say the things which thus far have been left unsaid.. So, my darling Lady Mary Crawley, I must tell you that I love you more than anything, more than anyone and I really need to know that you know because I have not told you even though I should have told you every day. I am so sorry that I let my silly moral principles get in the way of us. Oh God Mary, I am so sorry for all it but my darling, you must know it is not your fault that we did not marry when we had that chance. I know you are probably wishing you had accepted me when I originally asked but remember I turned you down too when I should have married you. So my dear Mary, our guilt is equal and thus rendered pointless. You may say that I did not know that I loved you but rest assured that I know that you do, I think I knew for absolute certain the moment you gave me that toy dog of yours although, I pretended not to know as you may understand. I know there is nothing to say that will make the pain less but you must go on and be happy with Sir Richard if it is so but I would stay well clear of him if it were me. Find someone who cares for you no matter who it is or at whatever consequence and make sure you care for them in return. Happiness for you is all I want and I know that a part of you will always love you and that I will be in your heart forever as you will always be in mine. I must ask of you to look after my mother, although I do suppose that goes without saying as I know you will. I also hope the next heir proves worthy to the challenge, although I suppose that you will whip him into shape. _

_Please be happy Mary, for us both now. God knows I wish the best for you. _

_God bless you. I love you._

_All my love,_

_Matthew _

Mary put the letter down and turn her head away in order to avoid ruining it with her tears. She knew that if he had written it in anticipation of his accident he would have said almost the same things although with more reference to William of course. She snuggled up in bed and fell asleep again thinking of Matthew.

….

Tom woke with a start with a rather aching back. He slowly remembered where he was and looked to see Mary if she was still asleep. She was and he noticed her face did not look so haggard as it so often had in the last months. Perhaps she had finally forgiven or begun to forgive herself. Just then, there was a knock and a maid walked in carrying a breakfast tray. Not noticing Tom, she set it on the table next to Mary's bed and turned, jumping with shock as she noticed him.

"I am sorry sir, I did not realise you were there." said the maid.

"It does not matter. I don't suppose, that's breakfast for two?" he asked.

"No but I can bring another tray up for you" she said.

"That would be great thanks" he replied and the maid set off.

Just then William began to cry which woke Mary who went to him immediately.

"I am going to nurse him so you should probably step outside for a moment" she announced. Tom obligingly stepped outside with a sad smile, wishing that Sybil had been there to nurse their child. When Mary was done, she called him back in and remarked: "There seems to be only breakfast for one."

"The maid is going to bring another tray." he replied and just as he said it, the aforesaid tray appeared. Tom thanked the maid and joined Mary on a chair nect to the bed to eat.

"I am sure the dowager would not approve of this" he said.

"Well she is not here and what is wrong? We are family having breakfast." She said stoutly.

"I suppose you are right and I also suppose you never imagined you would be breakfasting with me when I first came to Downton as the Chauffeur" Tom mused.

"I have found Tom that life has a strange way of not turning out like you hope it might. I would go as far as to say that it will never turn out as I hoped because I hoped Matthew and I would grow old together surrounded by our children at Downton." Mary smiled sadly at the thought.

"Well I can understand. I hoped I would be with Sybil forever surrounded by our children in Ireland but that will never happen either" said Tom, his face showing the same sad smile.

Mary stopped eating and without looking at Tom began to speak: "I just cannot seem to get over the fact that Matthew is gone. I wake up every morning expecting to find him lying next to me, watching me with those beautiful striking blue eyes of his. He would pull me into his arms and hold me tight for a while before we get up for the day. When I was pregnant, he would start the day by talking to our baby and tell him all about what his life was going to be like, how he was going to grow up with a mother and a father who loved him deeply." Mary's voice broke a little at this. "We were in a state of bliss where everything was rosy and suddenly it is all gone without even the slightest warning. I cannot bear thinking of all the things we still had to do but did not have the chance to yet. It breaks my heart that he will not be there to watch William grow or argue with me about how he should be raised like where he will go to school or how to scold him. I hate thinking that I will have to spend the rest of my life without him and when I think that I wish I didn't have to go on but I must. I must raise mine and Matthew's son and I know that Matthew will be watching, supporting me for the whole time. Yet I dread the times when I am at a loss as to what to do and Matthew will not be there to help. I still am at a loss to say how I will carry on without him."

Tom reached out and took her hand in his, giving it a tight squeeze.

"I thought exactly the same but I got through it thanks to the support from the family and you will too. I can't say that it will be easy because that would be a lie but I am here whenever you need me"

"You're being grand Tom" she sniffed.

"All I know is that Matthew would want me to look after you and Sybil would too" he said.

"Do you still miss her very much?" asked Mary, speaking softly.

"Every hour of every day" he said. "I do not think there will ever be a time when I will not. Sometimes I miss her so much it feels like I'm on fire".

Mary turned to her breakfast, in an attempt to hide the tears which now fell thick and fast.

Tom continued: "I see her all the time in Sybbie. They are so alike. The way Sybbie smiles and her little laugh, I am reminded of Sybil every time I look at her and I am glad of it. I don't ever want to forget what an amazing woman she was. She was, no is, the love of my life." He was smiling into the distance, lost in thoughts of his dear Sybil.

Mary understood perfectly, she felt the same about Matthew. No one could replace him, and she never wanted to forget him or how much they had loved, no she thought, did love each other. Mary squeezed Tom's hand tight and they exchanged a weak smile as they presented each other with a handkerchief at the same time to wipe away their tears.

a/n : Well that was emotionally tiring. I hope you like. As always Pleeeeasssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeee REVIEW! They genuinely fill me with so much joy.


	7. Chapter 7

Cora had been watching the Mary and Tom when they returned. She had, of course, chided Mary greatly for running away like she had and to be honest was rather surprised that Tom had forgiven her so quickly. She had seen how much he had been trying to help her. Over the past few days they had spent all of the time Tom was not working on estate matters together, often also with the children. When she had mentioned it to Violet, all her mother-in-law had said was that she should just be happy Mary was becoming herself again. Mary had even laughed the night before – a sound that no one had heard since before Matthew's accident. Still… this friendship with Tom. Was it right? Mary was still quite young and she could probably marry again could she not? Mary deserved to not be alone forever and she knew Matthew would rather agree.

….

It was the middle of the night and Mary could not sleep. She had been tossing and turning for what felt like forever. She wished Matthew was there. He would be awake right now and they would be talking. He would have taken her in his arms and held her while whispering loving words into her ear until she fell asleep. In some ways that was when she was most lonely, at night on instances such as this. Then it occurred to her, Tom. She could go and talk to Tom. She knew it was not proper but if she had learnt anything, it was that propriety often led to worse places. She slid out of bed and put on her dressing gown.

Mary knocked softly on Tom's door and slid inside. The room was dark but she could see Tom sitting up in bed. He was rubbing his eyes of sleep

"Mary?" he said, clearly confused.

"I am sorry to wake you….. I…I couldn't sleep and I…. I just wanted to hear a friendly voice I suppose" she stammered.

Tom smiled in understanding and motioned for her to sit on the bed next to him.

"What would your grandmother say eh?" said Tom. "I'm sure this ain't proper".

"You are probably right" Mary agreed.

"Probably?! More like definitely." said Tom.

They laughed.

"It is so strange to laugh. When they told me, I thought I never would laugh again. Ever. It feels wrong. Almost disrespectful. But then I know that Matthew would not want me to be unhappy. " said Mary.

"He would not. When we die and we meet them again, they would surely chastise us severely for not trying to be happy." said Tom.

Mary could see Matthew's stern face and giggled again at the memory. She looked over at Tom, wondering if he too was thinking of his lost love.

"I worry that mama will want me to remarry. She does not understand that I cannot possibly. I will never love anyone again like I loved him. Now that I know what it feels like how can I marry anyone who expects that level of devotion from me when I cannot possibly give it?" said Mary.

Tom gave her a sad smile. "But you do not have to marry again do you?" said he.

"No, I suppose not. I just feel so alone." confessed Mary. "At night, during the day, when I am with William. All these moments that Matthew is missing and will never see…"

"He is watching, I know."

They sat in silence until, without noticing they both fell asleep.

…

There was a loud wail next to him. Tom sat up, confused. He could not understand where it was coming from. Then he realised that Mary was next to him. She was tossing and turning and letting out high pitched wails. He put his hands on Mary's shoulders pinning her down and he gently shook her awake.

"Mary… Mary" said Tom.

Slowly Mary opened her eyes and looked up at him. Her eyes were filled with sadness and fear. She began to cry.

"Oh Tom, it was awful. Matthew…..blood and he.. He ….." she could not get the words out.

Tom pulled her into his arms and she sobbed into his shoulders. He made shushing noises into her ear and rocked her gently.

"Mary, it's alright" he said over and over again.

Her sobs quietened and her breathing began to return to normal. She whispered into his shoulder: "It haunts me, the accident and I was not even there. But I can see it so clearly … the blood and Matthew's lifeless face…"

Tom just hugged her even more tightly. Mary found herself feeling safe for the first time in ages.

A/N: I know its short but please review...


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